Monday, November 3, 2014

Change...




Some people carry their wars with them the rest of their lives. 
And other people leave them behind like old worn out shoes. 
And then there are those of us whose wounds are so deep that we never stop bleeding, 
and we go on fighting. 
We just go on and on even if we have no idea what our fight is about or why it’s so important not to give up. 
We just go on fighting the ghosts of our pasts hoping it will somehow close up our hemorrhaging wounds, make the screaming stop and the pain go away. 

For most of us it’s not the good things in life that make us change. 
It’s something we’ve gone through that makes everything we look at from that moment on, 
seem very different from how it had always been. 
Because our heart is not the same, our mind is not the same 
and the way we see the world is forever Changed…..
And what we all want than more than anything, is for things to get back to the way it used to be…
before we discovered that there was anything to be afraid of..
But there IS no going back...it never is.
And we are forced to move on - transformed. 

We never get to choose what transforms us, what smacks us awake.
We only know beyond the shadow of doubt when something does.
And as frightening and painful as that event can be, 
even that is a gift..

~ DreamWeaver~
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Wednesday, October 8, 2014

Poem ~ Hero's Journey..



Today she woke up to a truth so profound
it tore a rip in the illusions she had worn like a gown
in the midst of her yoga a backbend released
and her tears fell like blood, her heart ached for peace

as a sudden burst of rage, of self loathing and shame
had her sobbing so deeply in anguish and  pain
her psyche was shattered, she fell to her knees
her skin burnt as if stung by an army of bees

and right there on that mat in the midst of her practice
she emerged like the phoenix from the ashes of the actress
while tears washed away the ruins of a half lived life
she decoded the stress of a life lived in strife

I know now, she mumbled, why my life seem so stuck
Why it always seems like I’m all out of luck
The truth is I never dared to blossom on my own
I had no self-worth, my confidence was gone.

To believe in the self is to deal with the past
Put to rest the opinions of a well-intentioned cast
Of people who’s meaning shouldn’t have that much power
Do it now, it’s your chance, make this your finest hour

That peptalk she uttered was a gift to herself
As she rose from the mat with the grace of an elf
the path of a life and the call from the Source
she had begged for the guidance, it was time to change course

She shed her old skin and with a first nervous step
She turned toward unknown, at first slowly, then she leapt
She dove into her future like a newly born child
And for the first time that day she actually smiled

For the pretends and the illusions can lead us all astray
make us believe someone else knows our way
who’s opinions do you heed, is it yours? Is it theirs?
Never stop checking for meddlers in your affairs

Your life is to be lived by nobody else but you
Live it YOUR way, that’s YOUR job, nothing else is true
Peel the layers, dig down till you’re face to face with Source
There’s no lie there, no judgment, just you and the Force…

And may it always be with you…

~DreamWeaver~
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Poem - Love



Love adorns itself;
it seeks to prove inward joy by outward beauty.

Love does not claim possession,
but gives freedom.

Love is an endless mystery,
for it has nothing else to explain it.

Love's gift cannot be given,
it waits to be accepted.

~Rabindranath Tagore~
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Monday, July 28, 2014

A Monday Morning Conversation With The Universe

I have managed to paint myself into a corner again.
Something happened this morning which shook me up, beat me up a little - it came from out of the blue, I'd been so happy for a time, just didn't see this one coming at all.
When these things happen or my life feels 'messed up' I have a conversation with the Universe.
It’s my variation of a Dear Diary entry I guess.

A conversation can be spent hashing out a particular issue, or I can spend time deep in meditation
 with a question before the mantra gets going,
“How do I solve this?”
Or
“What do I need to know about this thing?”
Or
“What am I missing about this?”
And sometimes the answer or solution to the problem can show up during one,
or she and I engage in long conversations...but whatever I choose, meditation or conversation, 
she always dish out the solution, whatever it might be.

I believe that everything we experience in life carry a lesson,
and everything that happens is happening for us and with us no matter how awful it looks or is experienced at the moment.
It’s not just something life comes up with just to sock us in our figurative solar plexus with,
I don’t think anything in this flow happens out of context and
In a vacuum.
But when something feels like it does, 
then there’s definitely something we need to take a closer look at.
We’re out of alignment with ourselves whenever we feel ‘messed up’ by life.

And here I am right now feeling a little ‘messed up’ by life.
I’m out of alignment with myself.
And I’m looking for a way back into peace and alignment – and understanding.
And so this morning The Universe was hanging over my shoulder and we were both staring out over the computer screen and out of the newly washed sparkly clean window for the longest time

And for gods knows how many times in a row,
and while I poured my nth cup of coffee the following question was a fairly obvious one:
“Why can’t I let go? Why can’t I find peace? 
Why can't I create something wonderful and lasting for myself?
What's up with that???!!!”

And I could feel her comforting warm breath against my cheek
as the Universe whispered in my ear:
“How hard this might be to believe for you this is your growth of choice right now, sweetheart.
You think you need a break from everything to deal with what’s in front of you, to save and to hold on, fix and stay in it and with it.
But what you really need is to learn to let go - let go of everything.
Trust in your ability to survive with the change and get back into the flow, leave this one to me. 
You don't need to be in control. You don't need to stay and fix everything.
There’s a time for everything, Sweetheart,
this is the time for healing and evolving.
It's a time for building more mental and emotional strength,
and for integration. 
It's a time to learn to be more of who you really are.
And your chosen process is to learn by pain, you believe this is the only way to grow. 
It's not, it's time you make a different choice - to learn to evolve by joy.”

She stroked my hair and then continued:
“Take your time with this, Dear One, don’t be in such a rush with everything.
You don’t have to prove anything.
You don’t need anybody to validate you, to confirm your existence, 
you are whole and complete on your own.
Love is always to be found within you, 
and one day you will find the kind of love you seek on the outside too, 
but stop looking for it, it will come to you when it's time. 
Bring with you the lessons in this story, and leave the rest behind. 
If you stay in it you rob yourself of the experience to grow from it, to heal from it - 
you will stay in an endless circle of pain.
Trust the flow, you need to learn to trust the flow.”

She was right of course.
 I have a need to fix and stay with things, be in control...try and try again.
It’s like I have this idea that if I don’t, I'm a complete failure.
Or I won’t ever get over it if it doesn’t heal now, if I don't find peace with it NOW, this minute.
Like I don’t ever have the time to pace myself,
Know what I mean?

I have HUGE trust and control issues.
They’re not even close to how enormous they used to be,
but still too big for comfort.
  
Why is it so hard to just....let go and surrender?
To simply realize, and face things, smack a big 'been there, done that' stamp on it, 
put it behind me and move on, 
and leaving the details to the Universe?

And the Universe whispered in my ear again:
“This last chapter took a lot of you, you know that, your body and heart is still shivering.
And now you have a lot to come to terms with,
and you have a lot of forgiveness to do after this story, including forgiving yourself.
If you don’t learn to let go and forgive you won’t feel good again for a long long time.
Your psyche is both bruised and battered.
You not only need a lot of mental and emotional distance to this.
You need a new clearing inside of you, you need a deep healing from it, 
you need to anchor yourself again, Sweetie.”

And I know that.
She keeps repeating and repeating.
I keep nagging and nagging with the same kind of desperate feeling
of having to get past it before it’s too late. Before it kills me in a way.
Sometimes I’m surprised she doesn’t come at me with a bat,
and maybe yell at me and scold me a little?

But she’s patient,
And she's Loving,
Forgiving.
And still whispering.

And she puts her arm gently around me:
“Look, Honey, you did your best, you gave it your all.
Nobody can expect or demand more than that.
Lean back and let it come to its own completion, it's own closure. It will if you let it.
Deal with what comes up from inside of you, it's just energy on the other side of joy....
let it move up and through you, and release it. 
Stay out of the past, there’s nothing for you there, stay away from the future,
It hasn’t happened yet. Meditate, be here in this moment 
and every moment where there’s peace and quiet
and this space will shield you and provide the healing you need.”

And so I turn my back on the sparkling clean window, my past, my imaginary future.
And I turn on the computer to write this in the here and now.
And the words flow easily and effortlessly...
The emptiness is different now somehow...the pain a little less sharp..

So the word and advice of the day must be:
Don’t force things, let it flow, learn to let go, learn to forgive as a gift to yourself.
That’s how you stay in the flow and keep the love.
Just….listen, take your time with everything, and know that every time you feel ‘messed up’ it’s not the universe or life that’s coming at you with a bat – 
it’s you being out of alignment with who you are. 
Look for the lessons, take them with you but let it go of the experience, 
take the time to heal and get back into alignment.
The Universe will reward you with whatever you need when the right time is there.

And I need to learn the art of surrendering, of letting go -
the art of trusting the flow of Life.

The Universe is one awesome chick..!

And I need to get off the computer - 
there's another T-storm fast approaching 
and I really don't need to have my tech equipment fried.

~DreamWeaver~
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